Tag: anxiety

40 before 40

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Having been inspired by  Mrs Ayla’s 30 before 30 post and also my friend’s Helen’s 30 by 30 challenge – I decided to do my own ‘things to do’ list, but sadly I’m too old to do one before 30 *sob* that ship has well and truly sailed! So considered going for 35, but felt that gave me too smaller a time frame (I don’t need that additional stress in my life ;-P) so I have gone for the next major milestone birthday – the BIG 4…0…. – and then this at least gives me just over seven years to do it all – I may actually get a few of them completed in that time! Haha!!! Plus I do like a good list, so in no particular order…

1 Run a half marathon
I think this is something I could actually manage – it’s a feasible distance.  I’ve completed a few 10km races, so maybe one day!

2 Run a full marathon
Part of me thinks this is wishful thinking – I would just love to be able to say ‘I completed a marathon’ but I don’t know if I have the stamina or if my mind would let me do this! If I do get to do one, I would love to do the London one, the atmosphere looks amazing and I do love London.

Have you ever run a marathon? What would be your advice?

3 Learn to swim
This is something I have actually been working on this year, but had to be put on the back burner when I broke my ankle in March!

My friend, who has been teaching me, has been exceptionally patient with me and has told me I can actually swim, so it’s a case of getting over my fear of the deep end and it is an all encompassing, pathological fear of the deep end.  Now my ankle is almost back to normal this is something I want to get back to doing and would actually be very good exercise for my ankle – so technically it’s a win win situation!

Any suggestions on how to get over my fear?

4 Be an extra in a film/TV show
I always wanted to be an actress but it didn’t come about (my parents weren’t so keen), so this would be amazingly good fun – though not entirely sure how to go about it!

5 Get my degree
I’m doing a BSc in Computing and IT – so at the time of writing I’ve now completed three modules! My first one I passed with distinction, the next two I am waiting for my results.  All being well, and I pass, that will be all my level one OU modules complete and I will be starting my level two modules.
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Having a break…

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No seriously – I’m not taking a break from my blog – I have a broken ankle! The image of my crutches may have given it away and a lot of you may already know this if you follow me on my Facebook Page or Instagram.

It all started at one of my beloved Boxercise classes – it was coming to the end of the class, we weren’t doing anything complicated, just running up and down the hall, when I turned to run back and so my foot was sideways but I still had forward momentum and my left foot turned under me – I heard a crack and felt a concentrated pain like being pinged by a bit of elastic and my first thought literally was “Oh shit, I’ve just broken my ankle” which was then followed by thoughts of how would I deal with the kids.

I collapsed on the floor clutching my ankle and my Boxercise partner called our lovely fitness instructor over who was brilliant and did everything perfectly with regards to an accident (I feel so guilty I managed to hurt myself in her class – what a muppet I am), she got me some ice and had me elevate my leg on a chair.

As I wasn’t crying, feeling sick, overly shocked and still quite coherent I’m sure people thought I was probably being overdramatic saying I’d broken my ankle. There was lots of discussion of maybe it was ligament/tissue damage – I said: “It could be, but I don’t think so, I’ve broken it!”. Even my poor partner had heard the crack!!!

We recorded the incident as we waited for my poor hubby to be dropped off by his mum (his dad sat in our house, as the kids were asleep in bed).  Once my hubby arrived, with the help of my lovely friends we managed to get me into the car (one of the perks of being a lightweight) and then it was off to Queen Mary’s Hospital, Sidcup, and their Urgent Care department.  We got there around 8:40pm and registered with the reception, who were very kind but warned me that the wait for triage was 3 hours but x-ray  was only open for just over another hour – the wait was on! I was terrified that I wouldn’t get seen, and totally having my priorities right I was worried I’d have to cancel my hairdresser coming to me the next morning! The important things in life eh!?

Looks ok with the ice - slight swelling noticeable without the ice!
Looks ok with the ice – slight swelling noticeable without the ice!

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Feeling Flat

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I’m not 100% sure what’s triggered me feeling like this today – I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by sharing it on my blog, but if just one other person reads this and feels just the slightest relief that they’re not the only one who has flat days then I think it’s worth it!

That’s the best descriptive word to cover my mood today – just flat – it’s one of those days where doing anything takes an exorbitant amount of effort (including writing this), so considering how much I had to do today made it exhausting. Plastering a smile on your face and pretending you’re fine – when in fact colours look muted, nothing holds your interest, noisy crowds are overwhelming and in reality all you want to be is safely at home! Just ‘meh’, feeling sad and lonely, even with people around.
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Ducking Boxercise!

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By this I mean we did lots of ducking and diving, not that I tried to get out of it! As if I would, my Boxercise is my weekly sanity lifeline – this is one of things that really helps with my anxiety! Multiple benefits of exercise, not being able to think of anything else and possibly the fun of getting to hit things!!! A good stress reliever!

Kitted Out - Making it look glam! ;-P
Kitted Out – Making it look glam! ;-P

So for the warm up, there were slow jabs to one side, then fast jabs, then repeated on the other side. Skipping, skipping from one side to the other. A skip back, then skip forward touch the ground – this needed coordination which I seem to be slightly lacking in! High legs jogging on the spot and various other things – whew, we were well and truly warmed up!Read More »

#TakeOffTheTape

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I did something today that I found really scary – no I didn’t parachute out of an aeroplane or bungee jump off a bridge – I opened up about my anxiety and shared my deepest darkest fear publicly on social media!

IMG_9823Now in doing this I seriously suffered further anxiety, worried that people would think I was doing this to just get attention and have people say nice things about me and I can assure you this couldn’t be further from the truth!

Outwardly I am a confident and chatty person but I’ve always been a worrier – even as a kid I wondered if people liked me. When I saw the wonderful charity Mind doing their Take Off the Tape campaign today I knew I had to take part. We need to get people talking about their anxiety and not holding it in, it’s absolutely draining and exhausting (I speak from experience) – initially I thought I would put I get anxious about “Failing”, “Not being good enough” or “Affecting my kids with my anxiety” amongst about another 100 thoughts and then thought I do actually share that part of my anxiety with people, I am quite open that I am an anxious person, but what I rarely mention is that I am constantly thinking; “Do I annoy people?”, “What do people think about me?”, “Have I offended them by saying x, y and z” – boiling down to “Do people really like me?”.

It took me an hour to post the image – I was flushing and feeling so hot and terrified as I pressed post on Instagram and my true inner feelings were shared across Facebook (including my Blog page) and Twitter as well!  What I couldn’t have foreseen is the generous outpouring of support and lovely comments from my wonderful friends – I cannot thank you all enough, really I can’t! It means more to me than you can ever realise!

Everyday is a constant battle with these negative thoughts – One example being, you send someone a message on Facebook and you can see that they’ve read it, but they don’t reply and hours and even maybe a couple of days have gone past – logically you know it’s probably a case of they’ve opened it, been busy and thought I’ll read that later and forgotten, or they’ve written a reply and just haven’t hit send (things I’ve done myself) but that small voice in your head says “you’ve offended them”, “you’re just being annoying”, “They don’t like you” and you know in your heart of hearts it’s silly (and to be honest, and not in a horrible way – they probably don’t give you that much thought) but that’s the issue with anxiety – it isn’t logical, it’s all consuming and tiring! This is just one example of the hundreds of thoughts I have all day everyday. Some days are better and you do wonder how you can get so bogged down by your own thoughts, but it creeps up on you and suddenly you’re in floods of tears and you have no clue what to do!

Which is why I am very lucky I have such a wonderful supportive family, who though don’t always understand why my mind does what it does they are always there for me especially my hubby. Also a network of great friends (who, yes I do worry whether they really like me or not!) some of them who are also anxiety sufferers.

Then there is Mind who’s work and support to people like me is just invaluable, I have used them, the counselling sessions were so good, and I would go back to them again and I want to thank them and back them so that they can continue to help more people.

Join in the conversation – here’s how..takeoffthetape_infographic
Anxiety is shit! It really is! It makes you feel out of control, like you’re losing your mind, completely alone, like you can’t cope and that you’re a failure! It can make just stepping outside and talking with people the hardest thing. Let’s show our support for Mind and make a big noise on social media – Don’t be silenced – we can help each other know that we’re not alone and we can beat this!

What makes you anxious? – Feel free to share, comment or email me at jogonmum@gmail.com – I know how you feel and am very happy to listen! Don’t be alone and Don’t be silenced! #TakeOffTheTape – http://www.mind.org.uk/tape xxx

Book Day, Breaststroke and Brutal Boxercise

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So I think I may have broken myself yesterday!!!

Firstly, I obviously have to mention world book day – my two went as Harry Potter and Hermione Granger! They looked so cute!
Harry and HermioneI made an effort and put 10 plaits in the Pink Ones hair so that when we took them out she had the bushy hair Hermione is known for.
Hermione HairThey were so excited, they have been counting down the days until they could wear their costumes to school!

World's Cutest Harry Potter
World’s Cutest Harry Potter

She Really is the Brightest Witch of her Age!
She Really is the Brightest Witch of her Age!
So after drop off, I met my friend Rachael back at my house as I was going swimming! As you may have read in one of my previous posts, it’s a new years resolution of mine to learn to swim – well since then I’ve managed only one session with Rachael and then it all went a bit manic with assignments, half term and poorly kids! So it’s been about a month (maybe more) and I have to admit I was more nervous this time than on the first.

So nervous I couldn't stop shaking when taking a pre-swim selfie!!!
So nervous I couldn’t stop shaking when taking a pre-swim selfie!!!
The part of the pool we used last time had a fitness session going on. Then we were told there was going to be a school class so we’d have to move down.  For a few moments I thought it meant our whole session was going to be in the section of the pool where I couldn’t touch the bottom and my anxiety went into overdrive – I admit I even cried, but fortunately we had a good section of the pool and I was able to touch the bottom – so took a deep breath and we got working.

Rachael really helped me with my breaststroke technique, working on my leg kick, making sure I completed the cycle and squeezed my legs to get the full propulsion through the water, even doing some work with a float. The trying to get the process right…

Pull, Breath, Kick, Glide

Definitely easier said than done – but I will be chanting this mantra until my body does it automatically! The majority of this was completed with head out of the water, as I’d misplaced my goggles, so I was wearing my hubby’s and the left eye kept filling with water! Most annoying! I have subsequently located my ones!

I did monkey down to the deep end, but no matter how logical I was and how much I spoke it through with Rachael – I could not let go of the edge and glide or swim. I got so nervous at one point I actually got cramp in my foot!!!

This pathological fear of the deep end and going through the water under my own steam without panicking is exhausting.  So I didn’t manage it this time, which is disappointing, but my swimming is getting stronger (and Rachael assures me I can swim), so, and I said it out loud to Rachael that on our next session I would start in the deep end! I may regret saying this next week, but this problem is literally an argument with my own head! I will conquer it and I just appreciate Rachael being so calm and patient with me!

Once home, I did my usual studies – both Technologies in Practice and some Maths.

Then I was off to my Boxercise class! The session was amazing, but seriously tough! We were doing Boxercise to the Beat (named after my previous blog post!). For our warm up we were bouncing to the beat in southpaw and then two jabs, two hooks – repeated a few times, then some squats, punches to the floor, then back to bouncing, two jabs, two hooks, two uppers and two lower uppers.  Then we bounced into the orthodox position and did the same.

Next, pads and gloves on, in southpaw we had to bounce in time with our partner and the beat, jabbing for five, high leg lifts for five, until Michelle called out and then we had to do 10 jabs and 10 high leg lifts, finally 15 of each.  In between swapping to orthodox, we had to do some squats and punches to the floor ,then repeating the whole interval.  Then we had to swap pads/gloves. The constant moving was intense, it was brutal.

We then had some floor work, 15 curl ups and 15 leg reaches, some of us were then skipping, while others were doing one leg stands from the benches, this was repeated three times. The we had to do 15 push ups and now those of us that been skipping had to do try and do the one leg stands – they were really hard (and I was starting to feel the swimming from the morning) – one of the ladies worked out it was easier to do if you crossed your leg over the top of the one you were standing up on.  Again repeated three times. Finally, again repeated three times, we did a 30 second plank followed by 30 seconds of high leg running.

So glad for the cool down that’s for sure! If you want to come along to a session – find all the details at Michelle’s Facebook page for Foxlee Fitness.  I think I may be feeling all this exercise over the next few days! Hopefully it’s doing me go!!! haha!!!

So how do you deal with anxiety or facing a fear? I’d love to know! 🙂 xxx

Janathon Day 20 – Facing a Fear

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Being that I have a diagnosed General Anxiety Disorder to say I have fears is an understatement – I have way too many to count!!! It’s exhausting I can tell you.

Due to Janathon, and being bitten by the exercise bug with my running, boxercise class and I have even bought weights, I got into my head to face one of those fears and that would be swimming!

My friend who is a swimming teacher kindly said she’d go with me and help me.

I was so nervous, you see I am ok in the water as long as I can touch the bottom.  Having watched my two children flourish at their swimming lessons, and we made sure that they were deep water lessons, I thought I needed to be as brave as my children – which is what I am trying to do!

It was tough, my stomach was in knots the night before.  I am not sure you can truly understand the affect of anxiety unless you are a sufferer – but my anxiety levels were very high, but I was excited too.  My dream is to be able to swim lengths is something I would love to crack in 2016.

My friend was very patient and encouraging, she even managed to persuade me to the deep end, which did take lots of deep breaths and trying to find an inner strength – whilst I clung to the edge like a limpet.  Eventually getting me to let go and touch the bottom with my feet and come back up and also do a star float on my front for a few seconds, still not quite brave enough to try and float on my back.

Really working on my breaststroke – need to improve my technique, trying to alternate arm strokes and kicking my legs, whilst also working out my breathing.  I can swim 15 metres and then it’s at that point I can no longer touch the bottom and panic sets in, I tense every muscle in my body (I seriously ache this evening)! It’s really tough, but I have taken the first steps and I feel rather proud even if I do say so myself.

The fact I managed to get myself running, which when I first started I could barely run for a minute after which it felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and now I regularly run 5 to 6km makes me realise that with perseverance and practice I can do this…

Thank you Janathon for getting me doing this and my wonderful friend putting up with me and my nervous energy! Hopefully I’ll carry on and succeed and one day feel confident in the water, all being well going back next week! 🙂 xxx

Shocking selfie because I felt an idiot taking a photo of myself at the swimming baths!
Shocking selfie because I felt an idiot taking a photo of myself at the swimming baths!

 

Guilty

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09qXpgmommy-blog-kids-online-mom-ecards-someecards***Disclaimer – To my darling Pink One and Blue One – if you are reading this now you are older, please don’t judge mummy too harshly, remember I love you and adore you and always will, I am only human and occasionally things just get to me.  If you are ever lucky enough to have small people of your own, you may actually understand some of these points and may even appreciate mummy having written this! I only get these feeling of guilt as I care about you both so much!*** 

I am quite nervous about doing this post and wondering what people would think of me, is it too much to be sharing? But reading the fabulous blog of The Unmumsy Mum (give her blog a look – it’s brilliant!) – has given me the push and inspiration to do this because sometimes honesty, and just being truthful, is the best policy, and when it comes to being a mum (or dad) – we’re in this together!!!

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I think I spend my entire time just feeling guilty – becoming a mum seems to have amplified this feeling a hundred fold, plus I’m Catholic so I know all about feeling guilty…

Guilty when I used to work and wasn’t around for my kids.

Guilty now I’m a stay at home mum but sometimes wish I still had a job in an office with adults! Adult talk and a hot cup of tea! 

Guilty for being a shouty mummy.  Never ever thought I’d be such a shouty mummy prior to having children! This has seriously taken me by surprise!

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Guilty for reading the blogs and sites that will help you stop being a shouty mum in these easy steps (if I have learnt just one thing about having children is that nothing to do with them is ever easy!) but just being too bloody tired to be able to carry out the suggestions and still being shouty!

Guilty for screaming at my daughter when she’s only been back from a sleep over for less than two hours as she’s made her brother cry more in that time than he’s cried in the last two days she’s been away and telling her I wished she was still away! Feelings beyond guilty – I am such a horrible person! Who does that? Oh, me!!! She’s only five!!! Head in hands shame…

Guilty that sometimes I am so shouty on a particular day I actually give myself a sore throat! What must the neighbours think!?! Fortunately they’ve got kids too!!!

Guilty when I’ve been shouty and the small people come and hug me and say “mummy, I love you!” and not being very appreciative of the hug at that time as I am still feeling grumpy. I love you small people, always will – I sometimes just don’t like your behaviour and need a few moments to gather myself and calm down.

Guilty for losing it over the small stuff! Why did I start this? Can’t back down now, I am the parent and need to make my point…

Guilty for being on my iPhone instead of paying attention to my children. I can usually judge how ‘bad’ my day has been by the percentage of battery left on my phone!!! The lower the percentage the tougher the day!!!

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Guilty for not enjoying my kids ALL the time.  We’re only human and sometimes the days with a small child can feel so long and when they’re in one of ‘those’ moods, where everything you suggest isn’t good enough, it’s hard to find the joy!

Guilty for wondering at times, all be it fleetingly, when it’s been a tough day, if I should’ve become a mum which leads to more feelings of guilt as there are women out there who are desperate to be a mum and spending vast quantities of money and straining relationships to try and get this honour!

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Guilty when I spend the day wishing for the kids bedtime.

Guilty once they are in bed that I’ve been so shouty at them all day and not played with them more! They look so angelic and beautiful when they’re asleep – you do wonder how you could’ve got so angry at them!

Guilty because I think sometimes my days are way harder then my husbands day at work in an office! He gets to talk to big people (who are not necessarily better behaved than small children, but that’s not the point) and not constantly discuss why chocolate buttons do not constitute as lunch – well maybe they do, just not when you’re 3!!!.

Guilty that the minute the hubby steps through the front door I pass off the kids – possibly before he’s even got his coat off – if it’s been a ‘bad’ day! Argh – That’s it – your go!!!

Guilty for wishing my kids would shut up….please!?! You wait so long to hear them say “mummy” or “daddy” for so long and then it gets relentless…!!!

Guilty for wishing my kids would go away and leave me in peace for 5 minutes! Seriously guys I can go to the loo all by myself!!!

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Guilty because for a split second now and then, these beautiful people I love and made and will always love, I highly dislike them! Well actually it’s the behaviour I don’t like really…

Guilty for admitting I couldn’t have been a stay at home mum until one of my children was at primary school – so I only have one to deal with for the majority of the day! Would have been the same regardless of who was born first! It’s just seems so much easier dealing with one once you’ve got two!

Guilty as I sometimes act like a petulant child! No seriously I do, and it’s not something I am proud of! “It’s not fair!!!”

Guilty that I won’t let my kids mix the Play-Doh colours! Please don’t do it!!! *shudder*

Guilty because I wish my 5 year old or 3 year old would ‘just grow up’!!! What are you? A kid or something!?! Oh… Then realising, that though the days may go slowly the years are flying by and they’ll be all grown up before I know it! *sob* It can all be so confusing on the old emotions!

Guilty for allowing one bit of bad behaviour from my kids ruin what had probably been a lovely day up the that point and holding a grudge because they upset my rose tinted ideal! That’s it – you’ve ruined the day! *Grumble*

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Guilty for making a promise to my small people that I don’t keep! We ran out of time, actually out of whatever it was, or it wasn’t on the Sky+ box like I thought, or I only really promised to have a quiet life and made sure we couldn’t carry out said promise! Oh the shame!!!

Guilty for really wanting a week off from being a parent! So I’m human…

Guilty as there are times I enjoy my studying more than playing with my kids! It doesn’t answer me back…

Guilty that I sometimes find my Blue One ‘easier’ than my Pink One! (aybe because he’s the second child or because he is a boy!?! He just seems a simpler creature to deal with! He does have his moments though!)

Guilty when I hear my horrible side coming out of my daughter’s  mouth as she shouts at her brother! I cringe when I hear her and think “Oh no, that’s all me!” 😦

Guilty for constantly saying “in a minute” “wait a minute” “not just now” “give me a minute” when my kids ask for my time! They do seem to time it perfectly when I am in the middle of something like getting their lunch/dinner, making a phone call or trying to write a blog!!!

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Guilty for not being the mother I think I ‘should’ be! I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, and what seems to be their amazingly well behaved children, and can only do my best, but I always feel I should be doing better!

Guilty when I feel super proud because my kids are ‘so bright’! A moment of feeling smug and then seriously guilty about it!

Guilty for not sitting down and doing more ‘arts and crafts’ with them – but I am just not very good at it! I am a control freak, and the mess just makes me twitchy! Plus, I just end up taking over as they’re just not doing it right… oh the shame…

Guilty for writing this and putting it ‘out there’! It’s been cathartic to write and hope will make one other mummy (or daddy) realise they are not alone!

If this just helps one other person feel better about themselves, gives you a laugh, makes you realise it’s not just you – least my guilt will have done some good!  There are many more things I feel guilty about, but think the above is enough for one post!

I love these small people dearly and wouldn’t be without them, they really are my life, my everything, but the occasional sleepover at nanny and grandad’s is very much appreciated I can tell you!!! 😀

If I mention to anyone else that my children can misbehave, it’s met with remarks of disbelief! “But they’re such an angel, I can’t imagine it!” – as long as my children are beautifully behaved for other people, The hubby and I must be doing something right… just wish I got to see more of this amazing behaviour!!! *sigh…*

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Please comment and/or share so I can alleviate some of my guilt… Please… I will even beg!!! 😜️xxx

Brilliant Blog Posts

The Pink One is Growing Up!

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Well this has taken me by surprise, as I knew my Pink One was so ready for school, is that maybe I wasn’t!

I love my Pink One so very much, but have to admit that at times I do find her very difficult, not because she’s extremely naughty or has tantrums, but like most four years olds she doesn’t listen, answers back, upsets her little brother and basically drives me to distraction!

As she is five in October she is one of the older ones in her year and so I know she is ready to start and in true Pink One’s style when she started her first day in Reception on Friday, and this is a full day – no gradual build up, she walked into school with her new class without a backwards glance. That’s when I welled up and the tears I weren’t expecting came!

She may annoy me, drive me mad, make me yell – but at the same time she amazes me so much. If I could be as half as brave as her in life, not let things phase me like her, take whatever life throws me and just get on with it – I would be a much better person.

I pray that as she grows up she keeps these amazing traits as they will help her all through her life, and she will go far. Maybe she can teach me to be more like her – and I’ll try and remember theses things when she’s irritating me!

So as I type this, tomorrow is the first day of her first full week, and again the unexpected anxiety has got me, you’d think I was going to school, (shouldn’t surprise me as I have been diagnosed with a General Anxiety Disorder) but I was so ready for her to go to school and have that energy channelled I didn’t realise maybe I wasn’t ready to let her go!

Love you Pink One, I probably don’t say it enough but you make me a very proud mummy – go be amazing! 🙂 xxx

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