Guilty

09qXpgmommy-blog-kids-online-mom-ecards-someecards***Disclaimer – To my darling Pink One and Blue One – if you are reading this now you are older, please don’t judge mummy too harshly, remember I love you and adore you and always will, I am only human and occasionally things just get to me.  If you are ever lucky enough to have small people of your own, you may actually understand some of these points and may even appreciate mummy having written this! I only get these feeling of guilt as I care about you both so much!*** 

I am quite nervous about doing this post and wondering what people would think of me, is it too much to be sharing? But reading the fabulous blog of The Unmumsy Mum (give her blog a look – it’s brilliant!) – has given me the push and inspiration to do this because sometimes honesty, and just being truthful, is the best policy, and when it comes to being a mum (or dad) – we’re in this together!!!

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I think I spend my entire time just feeling guilty – becoming a mum seems to have amplified this feeling a hundred fold, plus I’m Catholic so I know all about feeling guilty…

Guilty when I used to work and wasn’t around for my kids.

Guilty now I’m a stay at home mum but sometimes wish I still had a job in an office with adults! Adult talk and a hot cup of tea! 

Guilty for being a shouty mummy.  Never ever thought I’d be such a shouty mummy prior to having children! This has seriously taken me by surprise!

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Guilty for reading the blogs and sites that will help you stop being a shouty mum in these easy steps (if I have learnt just one thing about having children is that nothing to do with them is ever easy!) but just being too bloody tired to be able to carry out the suggestions and still being shouty!

Guilty for screaming at my daughter when she’s only been back from a sleep over for less than two hours as she’s made her brother cry more in that time than he’s cried in the last two days she’s been away and telling her I wished she was still away! Feelings beyond guilty – I am such a horrible person! Who does that? Oh, me!!! She’s only five!!! Head in hands shame…

Guilty that sometimes I am so shouty on a particular day I actually give myself a sore throat! What must the neighbours think!?! Fortunately they’ve got kids too!!!

Guilty when I’ve been shouty and the small people come and hug me and say “mummy, I love you!” and not being very appreciative of the hug at that time as I am still feeling grumpy. I love you small people, always will – I sometimes just don’t like your behaviour and need a few moments to gather myself and calm down.

Guilty for losing it over the small stuff! Why did I start this? Can’t back down now, I am the parent and need to make my point…

Guilty for being on my iPhone instead of paying attention to my children. I can usually judge how ‘bad’ my day has been by the percentage of battery left on my phone!!! The lower the percentage the tougher the day!!!

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Guilty for not enjoying my kids ALL the time.  We’re only human and sometimes the days with a small child can feel so long and when they’re in one of ‘those’ moods, where everything you suggest isn’t good enough, it’s hard to find the joy!

Guilty for wondering at times, all be it fleetingly, when it’s been a tough day, if I should’ve become a mum which leads to more feelings of guilt as there are women out there who are desperate to be a mum and spending vast quantities of money and straining relationships to try and get this honour!

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Guilty when I spend the day wishing for the kids bedtime.

Guilty once they are in bed that I’ve been so shouty at them all day and not played with them more! They look so angelic and beautiful when they’re asleep – you do wonder how you could’ve got so angry at them!

Guilty because I think sometimes my days are way harder then my husbands day at work in an office! He gets to talk to big people (who are not necessarily better behaved than small children, but that’s not the point) and not constantly discuss why chocolate buttons do not constitute as lunch – well maybe they do, just not when you’re 3!!!.

Guilty that the minute the hubby steps through the front door I pass off the kids – possibly before he’s even got his coat off – if it’s been a ‘bad’ day! Argh – That’s it – your go!!!

Guilty for wishing my kids would shut up….please!?! You wait so long to hear them say “mummy” or “daddy” for so long and then it gets relentless…!!!

Guilty for wishing my kids would go away and leave me in peace for 5 minutes! Seriously guys I can go to the loo all by myself!!!

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Guilty because for a split second now and then, these beautiful people I love and made and will always love, I highly dislike them! Well actually it’s the behaviour I don’t like really…

Guilty for admitting I couldn’t have been a stay at home mum until one of my children was at primary school – so I only have one to deal with for the majority of the day! Would have been the same regardless of who was born first! It’s just seems so much easier dealing with one once you’ve got two!

Guilty as I sometimes act like a petulant child! No seriously I do, and it’s not something I am proud of! “It’s not fair!!!”

Guilty that I won’t let my kids mix the Play-Doh colours! Please don’t do it!!! *shudder*

Guilty because I wish my 5 year old or 3 year old would ‘just grow up’!!! What are you? A kid or something!?! Oh… Then realising, that though the days may go slowly the years are flying by and they’ll be all grown up before I know it! *sob* It can all be so confusing on the old emotions!

Guilty for allowing one bit of bad behaviour from my kids ruin what had probably been a lovely day up the that point and holding a grudge because they upset my rose tinted ideal! That’s it – you’ve ruined the day! *Grumble*

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Guilty for making a promise to my small people that I don’t keep! We ran out of time, actually out of whatever it was, or it wasn’t on the Sky+ box like I thought, or I only really promised to have a quiet life and made sure we couldn’t carry out said promise! Oh the shame!!!

Guilty for really wanting a week off from being a parent! So I’m human…

Guilty as there are times I enjoy my studying more than playing with my kids! It doesn’t answer me back…

Guilty that I sometimes find my Blue One ‘easier’ than my Pink One! (aybe because he’s the second child or because he is a boy!?! He just seems a simpler creature to deal with! He does have his moments though!)

Guilty when I hear my horrible side coming out of my daughter’s  mouth as she shouts at her brother! I cringe when I hear her and think “Oh no, that’s all me!” 😦

Guilty for constantly saying “in a minute” “wait a minute” “not just now” “give me a minute” when my kids ask for my time! They do seem to time it perfectly when I am in the middle of something like getting their lunch/dinner, making a phone call or trying to write a blog!!!

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Guilty for not being the mother I think I ‘should’ be! I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, and what seems to be their amazingly well behaved children, and can only do my best, but I always feel I should be doing better!

Guilty when I feel super proud because my kids are ‘so bright’! A moment of feeling smug and then seriously guilty about it!

Guilty for not sitting down and doing more ‘arts and crafts’ with them – but I am just not very good at it! I am a control freak, and the mess just makes me twitchy! Plus, I just end up taking over as they’re just not doing it right… oh the shame…

Guilty for writing this and putting it ‘out there’! It’s been cathartic to write and hope will make one other mummy (or daddy) realise they are not alone!

If this just helps one other person feel better about themselves, gives you a laugh, makes you realise it’s not just you – least my guilt will have done some good!  There are many more things I feel guilty about, but think the above is enough for one post!

I love these small people dearly and wouldn’t be without them, they really are my life, my everything, but the occasional sleepover at nanny and grandad’s is very much appreciated I can tell you!!! 😀

If I mention to anyone else that my children can misbehave, it’s met with remarks of disbelief! “But they’re such an angel, I can’t imagine it!” – as long as my children are beautifully behaved for other people, The hubby and I must be doing something right… just wish I got to see more of this amazing behaviour!!! *sigh…*

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Please comment and/or share so I can alleviate some of my guilt… Please… I will even beg!!! 😜️xxx

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I made this…

So I can be a proud artsy fartsy creative mummy – I have actually completed something worthy of Pinterest and in this post I’ll take you through the process of how I went about making it! What I will admit before I start (which I haven’t seen on other creative/crafty posts – whether it’s because they’re just more organised than me or just don’t admit it) it took me from ordering the A2 canvas in August 2014 to planning this in September 2014 and finally producing the completed article in April 2015… only eight months… oops…

This all started because I love the song “This House” by Gary Barlow (My 5 year old has told me she thinks she’s “getting in love with Gary”, time to listen to another CD in the car I think – but I digress!!!) – I identify with the lyrics and just think it’s a beautiful song – I’d also been inspired by some canvasses my friend had done with her children – using masking tape and paint – remove the masking tape and you’ve got a beautiful canvas!

So I took the line I most liked from “This House” and planned it on an A4 piece of paper – laying it out and getting the idea of what I wanted my canvas to look like!

6th September 2014... Planning Commenced
6th September 2014… Planning Commenced

Then placed it in the plastic bag with the canvas (ordered from Amazon, link found above) where it sat (and collected dust) until 29th March 2015 – when I finally got to work! I used 25mm width masking tape – which I split into four;

Laying the plan out on canvas

This took me about three evenings, 2/3 hours each time, whilst watching TV and sometimes faffing! I did then find that this supposedly A2 board wasn’t quite four pieces of A4 – it was slightly narrower so had to adjust my measurements – I reduced the distance between the letters, so wasn’t too bad in the end!
Initially I was going to paint the whole thing using all our handprints, but I thought this might not be enough to make the words stand out, so I then split the image into four sections and make a paler version of the colour I wanted each of our handprints to be.

Adding the Background Colour

Next was time to add the handprints – so started with myself and the husband! My handprints are purple and the husband’s are green. I did ours top and bottom so that they surrounded our children.  Once these were dried, the next day was to add the children’s! By this point, I’d spent a lot of time and effort on this, so I was very vocal to the children that they were to only put their hand down when I told them and not to move it around so it smudged the colour (way to go mummy, removing the fun from this activity) – they were both very good! Unsurprisingly – I did the Pink Ones handprints pink and the Blue Ones handprints blue! Though the Pink One told me after she would have preferred red! I told a fib and said we didn’t have any red – she caught me out! “mummy – come here please, you said there was no red, I have checked the box and there is red…!?!” Oops…

Adding the Handprints
Adding the Handprints

I still find it strange that the Pink One and the Blue One’s handprints are similar in size, considering the Pink One is 2 years and 3 months older!!!
Next was the fun bit (though slightly nerve wracking after all that work) – well for me anyway – the removal of the masking tape!!!

Masking Tape Removal Part 1
Masking Tape Removal Part 1
Masking Tape Removal Part 2
Masking Tape Removal Part 2

The only annoying thing was, because I used really high quality ELC poster paint (about £1 per bottle), where bits of the paint were thicker on the handprints, as I took the masking tape off the paint flaked – but not to worry, a little touch up with some more paint and it was done!!! Yay!!!

The Final Creation!!! :-)
The Final Creation!!! 🙂

I am super chuffed with this, it may not be perfect, it may not be exactly as I imagined it, it may not quite have been the family affair I initially envisioned (yes I got a little possessive!) and the ‘A’ may not stand out as much as I would have liked, but over all it came out just great! The sentiments of the image may not seem to be in this household all the time – but this is a house filled with love… most of the time!!!

So, what’s the estimated length of time before it actually gets put up on the wall!?!  Haha!!!

Any questions don’t hesitate to contact me! I would be very happy for any comments or if you’d like to share this post – it would be much appreciated!!! Share with me any of your masking tape creations – that would be fabulous to see!!! 🙂 xxx

The times they are a-changin’

Or so Bob Dylan sang! This is exactly what is happening in my life currently – I’ve been going through a massive period of change and it’s very exciting but also in equal parts terrifying!

Towards the back end of 2014 I was struggling at work – not with actual work based aspect of it, I’m very good at what I do which is data analysis – I’m not bragging just being truthful, my issue lay with how stressed I was, the work life balance and to be totally honest the monetary reward against the amount of hours/work I was putting in was pretty pants. I’m not greedy, but it would be nice to actually feel slightly valued! I am sure you would agree.

Let me give you a quick synopsis of my work history…
Just before I had my Pink One in 2009 I was working full time for HSBC Global Asset Management – where I really liked working and the pay was very good. After my maternity leave I went back part time doing three days a week which was perfect – the money was still good even at the reduced hours.

HSBC Global Asset Management

I then went on to have my Blue One in 2012. Went back to HSBC starting my hand over – then the phonecall came. The department was restructuring and my job was at risk – after a very strange month where I went into work to job hunt – it is very surreal to be sat at your desk at work with you CV out looking for a job I can tell you – it all came to an end and I was made redundant. I went away with a good package and no hard feelings, I would be happy to work for them again in the future.

So I continued job hunting – I didn’t need something too urgently, but with what our mortgage payments were at that time, the sooner something came up the better.

After what felt like ages, but was literally only about a month I found the role I have just left. A data manager for a school. I found it in the jobs and careers newspaper – which I bought very rarely as I think it’s a rip off at about £3.99 for about what feels like six pieces of paper!

I liked the idea of a job in the school – and everyone tells you how lucky you are, it’s so hard getting a job in a school and it’s the perfect job to have with kids, and on paper this seem to be the case, I was only having to do 14 hours a week, term time only – so school holidays off, fantastic!

Though as time went on and I sat down and worked out what I was actually earning, especially once childcare had been paid, and the hours I was actually putting in, it was actually pretty pointless – it would be a great job if you didn’t have childcare to pay or young children of school age – as we’d also sorted out our mortgage so that payment had fallen to pretty much half – I might as well work in a supermarket again a couple times a week like I used too – less stress and not bringing work home with you (and if I did, my friend pointed out that’d be shoplifting!!!). The holiday that was most important to be off was the summer holidays but that was my most busy time doing the analysis on the A Level and GCSE results.

So I started considering stopping work to be with my kids, discussed it with my husband and checking we could financially cope for a couple of years and we could, but then I started to worry – what would I do when I wanted to return to work? What would my skills be? What work would I be able to do? As you can see I am a bit of a worrier!

Then an idea came to me, maybe I could be at home with the kids and study – so be there for them but also be doing something for me, as I don’t currently have a degree, which hopefully will make me still employably attractive when I want/need to return to work (and show that I am really good at working at home too 😉).

The Open University

So that’s where I am now, I resigned from my job in November 2014 finishing up January 2015, I am a stay at home mum and I’m doing the first module (TU100 My Digital Life) of a BSc in Computing & IT with the Open University part time – my current vision is to return to work as a Data Analyst in London, but things change as time goes along, but having an end goal in sight it helps you focus! It’s not been easy and definitely has taken some getting used to, and remembering how to learn but I’m adjusting! I must say the Open University is very supportive and I’d highly recommend them!

This has been one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, I’ve had some sort of job since I was 16 (pretty much half my life) but I pray and hope it has been the right decision, I am so grateful for my husband’s and family’s support!

As I started with some lyrics it only fits to end with some, so in the words of Bon Jovi – “it’s my life, it’s now or never, I ain’t gonna live for ever, I just want to live while I’m alive

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😊xxx

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