“However you do it, make a conversation about mental health”
So today is Time to Talk Day – and recently I have been really struggling with my anxiety so I wrote a poem:
Firstly Happy New Year – Hope you had fun bringing in the new year! The Hubby and I saw the new year in watching Deadpool 2 and then the fireworks on TV! In bed by 12:20am! Rock ‘n’ roll!
So, like a lot of my blog posts, this started life as an Instagram caption but got rather lengthy so it graduated to being my first (unplanned) blog post of 2019! Woo!
I downloaded my Best Nine Instagram posts of 2018, ready for that to be my first Instagram post of 2019 (it’ll now be the second instead) wishing everyone Happy New Year but what struck me was that the posts that did the best were those that were open, honest, communication from me – either sharing a truth about me and my anxiety, celebrating a success or just showing gratitude!
So it’s not that long ago that I shared with you Tattoo Tales – which explains my reasons behind why I got the tattoos I have and every single one means something very important to me and I love them.
Now usually there are about two years between each time I’ve got a tattoo – this time it didn’t work out that way, it’s only been about 4 months since I got my phoenix!
But I this latest tattoo means so much to me and contains so much meaning, I am literally wearing my heart on my sleeve and every time I look at it I smile…
As the saying goes “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be Kind. Always”
I am a face of anxiety.
But you can’t necessarily tell who is battling their inner demons because they conceal it all behind a smiley face, a bouncy bubbly personality, lots of what seems like boundless self-confidence or possibly they keep it all behind closed doors, keeping themselves to themselves, however they deal with it, they are still battling and doing their very best…
As I’ve shared before I have been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) so what is anxiety to me?
It’s being my own worst enemy and personal critic.
It’s the constantly feeling tetchy and irritable.
It’s the most mundane things making you fly off the handle.
It’s everyday things making you feel overwhelmed.
It won’t stop, it’s absolutely relentless, I try everything in my power to make it halt, but it’s perpetually overwhelming – what is this terrifying thing I talk about? It’s my own mind and my own thoughts…
The only two things you have control of (supposedly);
– Your own thoughts
– Your own actions
But when it comes to anxiety, there is absolutely no controlling those thoughts, they are a neverending tidal wave – they knock you down, and you try to get up, but then another wave comes and knocks you off your feet again and they come again and again and again, ceaseless wave after wave, until you have no strength to get back up and they wash over you, suffocating you, all-encompassing, sapping you of energy and emotion, defeating you.
I touched on this a while back on an Instagram post – but that was more about accepting myself physically, this blog post is covering my issues with accepting or liking/loving myself mentally.
You’ll find the original Instagram post HERE – did try and embed it, but the video wouldn’t show!
I know it does seem strange to say this, considering how much of myself I put out there on Social Media, but I do find it really hard to like myself, let alone love myself. I don’t know if this is part of my anxiety disorder or whether it’s just a particularly annoying character flaw – which in turn makes me think “Well if I can’t like myself, how can I expect anyone else too?” I even question the poor Hubby now and then, “Do I annoy you?“, “Do you really love me?” I mean a lot of the time I irritate myself!
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Anxiety is always there.
It doesn’t solely define who you are,
but it will always be a part of who you are.
You learn to cope.
You learn to deal with it.
You realise you are not alone.
You connect with people.
You eat well.
You feel happy.
You feel joy.
You suddenly start to believe you won’t feel like THAT again.
Life seems so much better.