‘This is not a ‘pity me’ post – or me asking you to say you like me – this is me just sharing how my brain works – hope this makes sense!’
I touched on this a while back on an Instagram post – but that was more about accepting myself physically, this blog post is covering my issues with accepting or liking/loving myself mentally.
You’ll find the original Instagram post HERE – did try and embed it, but the video wouldn’t show!
I know it does seem strange to say this, considering how much of myself I put out there on Social Media, but I do find it really hard to like myself, let alone love myself. I don’t know if this is part of my anxiety disorder or whether it’s just a particularly annoying character flaw – which in turn makes me think “Well if I can’t like myself, how can I expect anyone else too?” I even question the poor Hubby now and then, “Do I annoy you?“, “Do you really love me?” I mean a lot of the time I irritate myself!
So this leads on to me overcompensating by making myself as available as I can for my friends – I will pretty much do anything for them, if it will help them out, even to the detriment of my own plans, I will rearrange my life to fit around them, even if they’ve hurt me in the past (possibly even more so in this case, because they probably did what they did because of something I’ve done, or so my brain tells me), all they have to do is message me and I am completely incapable of saying “No“, unless there is something that just cannot be changed, and then I feel guilty and wonder what they think of me – “am I a bad friend?” “Will they think I am unreliable and flakey?” All in all, I suppose I am quite needy.
I love all the inspirational quotes I see on Social Media that go along the lines of “Just because I am here for you all the time, doesn’t mean you can take me for granted.” which make me think “Yeah, I am not going to be treated like this anymore” so I do reshare them, but chances are the actual people you want to see these sorts of reposts are the ones most likely to scroll on by and not take the blindest bit of notice because I think most of the time they’re oblivious as to how they use people, they probably feel they are used themselves.
There are, unfortunately, those people who truly only see you and notice you when they need something from you – and if you’re like me, because foolishly you care for these people so much yourself, you’re there instantly do exactly what they want because you are so desperate to be liked and needed – it’s quite sad actually. You do for them what you think others would do for you, but that’s rarely the case. More the fool me. But I find it nigh on impossible to remove myself from that negativity – because I truly care for them. I suppose you could liken it to an addiction – feeling sad when they don’t contact you, but the high you feel when they message you, even if it’s just to ask you to do something. But is it worth it? Is that how friendship should really work? I’m not so sure.
I am lucky to have some truly wonderful and amazing friends too who care for me as much as I do for them and that is wonderful and makes you realise how friendship should truly be, but I care for all my friends equally and it’s so hard not to want, or to separate yourself from those people, who really only have you as a ‘friend’ when they have a need for you.
I am not saying that when I do things for my friends I expect payback, I certainly don’t – but that they are your friend regardless and will text you with a random – “How are you?” now and then not just when it’s “Could you do me a favour?”
You tell yourself on numerous occasions, “I am going to be stronger“, “I am going to tell them exactly how I feel“, “I am no longer going to be a doormat” – but I suppose old habits die hard and it’s not easy to change and you fall back as soon as you see them or hear from them, as you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but if you were only truthful to yourself and realise they don’t give a damn about yours.
Maybe one day I will be loyal to myself and only be there for those friends that are always there, not just when they need something. Maybe I will learn to like/love myself and therefore be fairer to myself and my own feelings. Maybe… One day…
Anyone else experienced this? Share your stories with me – know that you are not alone xxx