I’m not 100% sure what’s triggered me feeling like this today – I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by sharing it on my blog, but if just one other person reads this and feels just the slightest relief that they’re not the only one who has flat days then I think it’s worth it!

That’s the best descriptive word to cover my mood today – just flat – it’s one of those days where doing anything takes an exorbitant amount of effort (including writing this), so considering how much I had to do today made it exhausting. Plastering a smile on your face and pretending you’re fine – when in fact colours look muted, nothing holds your interest, noisy crowds are overwhelming and in reality all you want to be is safely at home! Just ‘meh’, feeling sad and lonely, even with people around.

All I can think that started this off is that the Hubby an I got to have a wonderful visit to the Blue One’s nursery today, to see how he’s getting on (which is well I am proud to say), but there was lots of conversation with regards to him preparing for primary school and I am not ready to let my baby go and the time is coming round too quickly.

Lots of thoughts, fears, concerns and worries running around my head – not least hoping he actually gets into the school we want, which his sister already attends.  I am also really bad with routines changing, so all these things have been playing on my mind. Plus for the last two mornings I’ve woken up at 5am and been wide wake for some inexplicable reason!?

Whilst in the car on the way to the hospital (had to have blood taken as I had a mildly raised liver enzyme last blood test and my doc wants to double check everything is ok, so another thing weighing on my mind) I was listening to my Gary Barlow album when the song Dying Inside came on and the lyrics to this song painted exactly how I’ve been feeling today, it may not have been what his meaning for the song was, but this is exactly what my anxiety feels like to me…

“How can I make sure no one notices me
I don’t wanna conversation with nobody
And it hurts too much to say how I feel
What you don’t know, is all I know
How can I make sure that I fool everyone
Gonna wear a suit and tie and put my bravest face on
And it’s far too deep to show you this wound
It won’t heal no time soon
Nobody knows what I’m going through

I’m dying inside
Who knows what I’m thinking
What I’m trying to hide
Yeh I’m dying all night
I’m breathing but I can’t feel life
I’m smiling but I’m dying inside

How can I make sure I’m invisible
Or find just a simple phrase that may say it all
Cos it’s far too soon and not the right time
What I’ve seen was for my eyes
And how can I make sure no one worries for me
’Cos I don’t need helping hand and don’t want sympathy
Don’t know what I need but know what I don’t
What you can’t see it feels so broke
That you can’t see is how I’ll cope

I’m dying inside
Who knows what I’m thinking
What I’m trying to hide
Yeh I’m dying all night
I’m breathing but I can’t feel life
I’m smiling but I’m dying inside

Want everyone around to think that I’m alright
Hope they assume I’ve left the dark and found the light
Want them to think that I don’t cry myself to sleep at night

I’m dying inside
Who knows what I’m thinking
What I’m trying to hide
Yeh I’m dying all night
I’m breathing but I can’t feel life
I’m smiling but I’m dying inside”

I also worked on an image to stop me from thinking – trying to illustrate that anxiety acts like a complete barrier and just takes the colour out of life, that’s my feature image.

There’s lots of music and songs that describe how I feel and those that help me through those difficult days, which I am sure I will blog about in time, what songs say it for you? 😦 xxx